Starlight

 

I DREAMED A DREAM LAST NIGHT

THAT PAIN WAS HEALED BY STARS

SO I CLIMBED INTO THE ATMOSPHERE

AND GATHERED FOUR IN JARS

I SHOWED YOU WHAT ID GATHERED

MY PRIZES GLEAMED SO BRIGHT

WE TRAVELED OFF TOGETHER

SO WE COULD SHARE THE LIGHT

A SON WHO DIED TOO EARLY

WAS A MOTHERS PAIN TO BEAR

WE KNEW THAT WE COULD HELP HER

SO WE LEFT OUR FIRST STAR THERE

A WOMAN WORN AND BROKEN

ABUSED BY ONE SHE LOVED

THAT IS WHERE WE LEFT

OUR SECOND STAR FROM UP ABOVE

A CHILD WITH HER SPIRIT

BROKEN BY ANOTHERS WORDS

TO SHOW HER SHE WAS VALUABLE

TO HER WE GAVE OUR THIRD

OUR FOURTH AND FINAL TREASURE

GLEAMED MUCH BRIGHTER THAN THE REST

TO FIND THE PLACE TO SHARE IT

WAS THE LAST STEP ON OUR QUEST

WE CAME UPON A GRASSY FIELD

WHITE CROSSES IN THE GROUND

THE STAR SHONE EVEN BRIGHTER

AND WE KNEW ITS HOME WAS FOUND

WE OPENED UP THE JAR

AND LIFTED UP THE LIGHT

IT SHOT INTO THE AIR

AND MADE THE WHOLE PLACE BRIGHT

ERASING ALL THE PAIN

THE HURT AND ANGER THAT IT FOUND

BY THE DEATHS OF ALL THE BROTHERS

WHO LAID IN THAT HALLOWED GROUND.

Inner light

 In my own dark hour

I choose to be my light

Or bitterness and sorrow 

May lead to giving up my fight

But I will rise again though

Hardened my heart will be 

Never to share again with another 

I need not someone beside me 

I will journey on alone and 

Brace against the trials

I will face what's up against me

Though rarely share a smile

All the passing people 

Forever strangers shall remain 

For reaching out to know them 

May cause me too much pain

No longer any reason 

To care for others anymore 

It's time to lock forever 

My hearts once open door 

The world of those around me 

I will no longer see 

I'll never see another's pain

I choose now to see just me. 

All righteous indignation and selfishness you'll say

But loving any other has only filled my life with pain

Inside my world

 Inside my prison no one can see

The vibrant person I used to be 

Outside my window the world moves on 

Close to my reach yet just beyond

Pain engulfs me day after day 

Taking all of my joys away

I used to sing and laugh and dance 

Now I don’t have the energy to even be romanced

The fear of more pain has taken over 

Couldn’t even care for my best friend Clover

Excitement is over I adventure no more

Sitting here day after day has become such a bore 

When you go out and enjoy lunch with a friend 

Just remember I can’t do that anymore it takes too long to mend 

I ache for someone to come rescue me

From the inner and outer pain you don’t see

Don’t do this don’t do that 

Seems all that I hear 

Now I’m afraid to do anything 

Out of pure fear

To know how short the time will be 

That I can lift my grand child to my knee

Enrages and angers me so deep inside 

The Castle Ruin

She’d loved castles her whole life and their history intrigued her. As she stood before the castle ruin she imagined its former glory and recalled its history of battles.  

She knew that at one time it had been a formidable obstacle who many attempted to conquer. Although some succeeded, most did not. 

She knew of the illnesses which had run rampant within its now crumbling walls. Walls that had once been so protective. 

She knew for certain that music had filled the castle and warmed souls and brought smiles to many faces as it was shared. 

She recalled that there had been a very loved woman in that castle for many years and she imagined the passion that had been shared within its walls and smiled. 

She rolled the history through her mind of its final battle when all was lost and only memories would remain of its past. She winced at the imagined pain and suffering experienced during those times and frowned at the thought. 

Though with little left of its former glory, she knew that the castle ruin still attracted many people and it was still very much enjoyed although for different reasons now.   

She loved the castle ruin and thought it was beautiful that something which had been through so much still stood firm in so many places. 

She gingerly reached a hand out and touched the castle wall and felt the warmth of the energy it still held. 

A smile stole across her face as a thought struck her. You know, me and this castle have a lot in common. 

Things I never got caught doing as a kid and I am too old to be punished for now.....

Shooting the bull.

Certainly we have all had our moments of shooting the bull with a sibling or friend but for my family that literally meant shooting the bull with BB guns. I suppose I had it coming when I rounded the corner into the barn and the bull tried to climb the gate to kill me. He was pissed and scared the holy beejeebus out of me. Uncle Randy happened to be there and quickly got him under control with a two by four to the head.

Haystack Forts

Growing up on a farm we of course had haystacks everywhere and while we were sternly advised not to do so me and Jeremy always made awesome forts inside them. A piece of plywood here and some two by fours there to hold the weight of the "ceiling" and we were good to go and had the perfect place to hide when it was time for chores. Dani enjoyed these with us a little bit but poor Charlie with his hay-fever didn't join in the fun. So we always had a place to hide from him. As it turns out we all discovered that the man who yelled at us constantly not to make them, we call him Dad, did exactly the same thing when he was a kid.
This was information that we all were made aware of at my uncles funeral. I don't even want to hear about it Dad, you should have been out there giving us building pointers as far as I am concerned!

Making Mindy look silly on Sundays during sacrament meeting.

She loved to have her back scratched so if there were two siblings next to her one of us would scratch her back while the other one methodically ratted her hair small strand by small strand. She had long thick hair so it looked utterly ridiculous to have it long and somewhat curly with a huge snarl that was at least eight inches wide at the bottom and easily five inches high. You would think she would have learned not to let us do this. I guess she just liked her back scratched too much.

Killing the stupid rooster.

While unintentional I didn't like that little bugger so I was not and still am not at all sorry for killing it.
Each day we would be sent to gather the eggs. The moment you opened the chicken coop that stupid rooster would come after you and peck you to pieces. I had completely had it with him one day and when he came I booted him a little too hard, he hit the wall and slid down and didn't move again. I was probably about 12 or maybe 13 years old then. That night Mom had gone out to check for more eggs and I will never forget her words. "That damn rooster finally died!" I just kept my mouth shut. They know now that it was me. I believe they found out about a year ago.

I feel totally safe now letting the cat out of the bag so to speak regarding my naughtiness as a kid since the statute of limitations has passed on all my offenses. That and I can now out run my parents. Well maybe not Dad since he still has the energy of a 25 year old. Mom, just don't share this with Dad because I don't want him taking his ape like hand to the top of my head to "turn me around" to face the consequences. 

The Traveler

THE TRAVELER 

By Janalee Peterson

LAST NIGHT I DREAMED A DREAM

WHERE I TRAVELED DOWN TWO ROADS

BOTH REQUIRED SACRIFICE

AND BOTH HELD HEAVY LOADS

WITH LOADS STRAPPED TO MY BACK

MY HEART HELD IN MY HANDS

ONE FOOT BEFORE THE OTHER

EACH JOURNEY I BEGAN

THE PATHWAY ON THE RIGHT

REMAINED UNCHANGED EACH DAY

THERE WAS NO FEAR NOR BEAUTY

AS I TRAVELED ON MY WAY

AND IN MY HANDS MY TENDER HEART

DID FIRMLY ALWAYS STAY

THE PATHWAY TO THE LEFT

LOOKED A DAUNTING TASK INDEED

BUT MY HEART WHICH I HELD IN MY HANDS SAID

TO PROCEED IS TO SUCCEED

ALAS MY HEART I HAD TO LAY ASIDE

ALONG THE TRAIL AND LEAVE IT THERE

AS ITS OWN HEAVINESS WITHIN

WAS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO BEAR

I CONTINUED ON AND UPWARDS

MY HANDS HELD TO THE STRAPS

TO THE BAG WHICH HELD THE BURDENS
THAT I CARRIED ON MY BACK

THE PEAKS WERE ALWAYS STUNNING AS I RESTED

EACH TIME MY BURDEN TO UNLOAD

BUT I WISHED MY HEART WAS WITH ME

INSTEAD OF LEFT THERE ON THE ROAD

AS I CONTINUED ON THE PATH

THE DEPTHS FELT LIKE DESPAIR

ALL I COULD DO WAS TRUDGE AHEAD

AND WISH MY HEART WAS THERE

AT LAST THE ROAD HAD ENDED

MY JOURNEY AT AN END

I SAT ALONG THAT DUSTY TRAIL

AND FELT THE EMPTINESS WITHIN

AS I QUIETLY REFLECTED ON THE JOURNEY

WHICH I HAD BEEN

THE BEAUTY THAT I HAD SEEN AND

THE JOYS THAT I HAD KNOWN

AND EVEN OF MY DARKEST THOUGHTS

WHEN I HAD FELT ALONE

THE JOURNEY DOWN THE OTHER PATH

HELD NO BEAUTY NOR DESPAIR

THE ONLY THING IT OFFERED

WAS THAT MY HEART WAS ALWAYS THERE

I HELD MY HEAD UP HIGH

KNOWING WHERE I HAD BEEN

AND THOUGHT PERHAPS THE STRENGTH I’D GAINED

COULD FILL THE EMPTINESS WITHIN

THEN I SAW OFF IN THE DISTANCE

ALONG THE TRAIL ON WHICH I HAD BEEN

COME A SMILING WEARY TRAVELER

WHO CARRIED MY HEART WITH HIM

MA’AM I BELIEVE THAT YOU FORGOT THIS

ALONG THE DUSTY ROAD

I DIDN’T MIND CARRYING IT FOR YOU THOUGH

BECAUSE IT HELPED ME BEAR MY LOAD

Don't Make Me Turn This Car Around.....................

If you were ever a child then chances are you probably had at least one family road trip. If you weren't ever a child then please say hello to the mother ship for me and I hope you've come in peace.

Growing up with a mother from Virginia who had a twin in California we spent many summers on the road to visit her side of the family.

Adventures were to be had on every trip and the memories made were of course priceless. I will say that I am very lucky to have been able to have so many adventures as a kid. Mom and dad certainly did their best to take us kids to some really amazing places along the way that without them I would not even realize existed.

This post however is not about those adventures. This is about the time between the destinations..... the car...........

Family car trips generally started the same each time. Mom would wake us all up at the crack of 3 AM and we would all trudge to the car fully dressed because none of us bothered to put on pjs knowing what was coming the next day. In tow we would also have our pillows and blankets and something to entertain ourselves. That something was generally a toy or book and by day two in the car it was used mainly to hit other siblings with. I preferred books myself as they caused more damage to the other siblings.

Now six children attempting to sleep in the back of a Dodge Caravan required a Tetris like skill by mom to determine who sat where and how we slept. Our baby sister Danielle was only a small child so she sat on moms lap when she was awake and when she needed to sleep she slept on a tiny cradle mattress by the sliding door in the car. Safety first! I don't think we even had a car seat in the car with her on trips.....ever.

My older brother Jeremy would lay in the very back on top of bags and blankets. That was his precious area that none of us were allowed to invade. My baby brother Charlie however, managed to invade it from the front of the van with a slight flick of his wrist.

It had grown quite late and Jeremy had made his way back to his nest to sleep and was undoubtedly slumbering soundly. Once again, our family motto of safety first meant that Charlie who was about three at the time was wandering the front of the van between mom and dads seats. He reached up and began to fiddle with the radio which dad had turned down so low that it may have well been turned off. Charlie twisted the volume knob all the way with one swoop and at the same moment Jeremy, who's ear had been resting directly against a speaker, shot straight up, flat as a rail, and almost seemed to hit the roof of the van.
As his younger sister who he relentlessly pestered I found great satisfaction in seeing that happen and chuckled to myself. Dad shut off the radio and we all settled back down.

While on a different trip sharing the back seat with my baby sister Danielle who was probably seven or eight we had determined that just stretching out end to end would be the most comfortable way to sleep. I awoke to her snuggling my foot like a teddy bear and kissing it. Awkward to say the least. Being the good sister that I am, I remind her of that often. I mean, what kind of sister would I be if I let her forget such a precious memory?

Gross things happen on car trips, like really gross things, things we shouldn't talk about and yet I am gonna talk about them. I am a rebel like that.

Imagine if you will a place where smells collide one siblings odor to another and three days of funk permeates the air. Only the occasional stop for gas would allow us to sponge ourselves off in the bathroom. That is a task that few young children will do willingly or without having to be reminded. Things got pretty funky in the car for sure. The small two inch gap that the rear windows angled opened to was sheer heaven if you were lucky enough to sit by a window that you could put your face by.

After a particularly badly needed rest stop we were all in good form and we had all made a quick change of clothes since we would be arriving at Grandma and Grandpas house that evening. We wanted to look as good as you possibly could after traveling three days by car without stopping. As you can imagine we all arrived pretty haggard looking. But I digress. We had just made our stop and mom had grabbed a few drinks for us kids to go with our homemade sandwiches that she made us. Charlie grabbed his drink of orange juice and guzzled it rather quickly. It was quite a large drink for such a small three year old. Do you know what happens when you put 12 ounces of juice in a 6 ounce package and add a dose of shaking car to the mix? Yep, you guessed it. Tragedy!

Charlie leaned over moms shoulder and began to announce that he didn't feel good. What came out was "Mom, I don't feel very bleeeehhhhhhhhhh............." Poor mom! Covered now in stomach acid rendered orange juice and all she could muster was "Lovely, it's in my garments." Dad stopped as soon as he could for her to change again but the smell permeated the car the rest of the night. Charlie was forced to hold a garbage bag the rest of the way as well just in case he needed to open the floodgates again. Needless to say when we arrived we were all very grateful to get out of that van.

On a subsequent trip it was dad that grossed both me and Danielle out. Sitting directly behind him with Danielle next to me. Everyone was in a pretty decent mood. No children had been threatened to be "left in Kansas and picked up on the way back" if we didn't knock it of so things were going well. Dad was just driving along and sneezed into his hand and of course wiping it on his jeans would have been just gross so he instead wiped it down the back of his head. I glanced up and immediately my gag reflex took over. I tried to say Mom but it just wouldn't come out past Mo ugh Mo ugh Mo ugh. I tapped Danielle and pointed and she then saw the horror of what I was seeing. The big grey green booger in the back of his hair, and I mean BIG. She yelled out "Gross!!! Mom, dad has a giant booger in his hair!" Mom looked and all she could say was "Oh Rodney!", then handed him a napkin to wipe it out. Thinking back on that now still triggers my gag reflex.

On one particularly awesome trip to California I managed to get the worst sunburn of my life. I was ten and we had spent a fantastic day at the beach with my mothers twin and I ended up with blisters the size of quarters covering my back and down the back of my legs. It was incredibly painful. There was no way that I would have been able to sit on the ride home so I was grateful that this trip only had me and my two younger siblings in the back. Charlie was five and Danielle was three. I was laying face down on the center seat in the van. My back and legs were covered with burn cream and gauze. I was in quite a bit of pain and in that haze I didn't notice that my little brother was playing on the back of the seat and laying across it. All it took was one slight tap of the brakes and Charlie landed right on my back popping the majority of my blisters. I thought I was in agony before but I was quickly schooled on what real pain was. I screamed out and broke into tears instantly as the pain hit me and it was only worsened as he moved and scrambled across my tender skin to get off of me. I just sobbed and sobbed in pain. Dad found a rest stop and mom took me into the ladies room and ever so gently yanked the gauze off my back as quickly as she could. I almost fainted with that pain that caused. She did her best to cover the now open blisters on my back with petroleum jelly and once again covered me in gauze. Charlie was terrified to go near me the remainder of the trip. I hope you all see now why I tried to drown him in the last post.

So while this post is not quite as hilarious as my previous posts, I wanted to talk about my nightmares and get them out. After all, 9 out of 10 counselors say that talking about trauma helps you forget it.....